In all honesty, I was not aware of microaggressions until I learned about them in college. Prior to that, I had an extensive knowledge of racism, sexism, and prejudice in general, but I had never been taught that I was experiencing micro-prejudice every day and that it was affecting me so deeply throughout my life.

If this is your first time, or one of your first times, encountering and/or understanding the topic of microaggressions, I am happy to be here with you, explaining how I personally work through them. I hope it will give you the ability to recognize microaggressions in the “real world” and work against the psychological impact that they so often have on people in marginalized identities.

But first of all, what is a microaggression? A microaggression is a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).

Essentially, a microaggression is, in fact, an instance of [insert identity here] discrimination. But oftentimes, it can require the person on the receiving end to read between the lines, read into the interpretation, listen more closely to the tone of the person speaking, or look at the deeper nuance of the statement in order to fully understand that they are being verbally attacked. Furthermore, if you are a neurodivergent person, it may be even more difficult to recognize microaggressions in your everyday life. 

Recognizing Microaggressions in Everyday Life 

While there is no surefire way to recognize every microaggression thrown at you for every potential identity you hold, there are some ways that I have practiced often enough so that I am frequently able to recognize when a microaggression is being levied at me. 

First, I pay close attention to the tone of the person speaking to me. If they are using a derogatory tone at all when speaking, this is a cue to me that this conversation is not a simple or potentially even safe conversation for me. My own warning light often gets tripped by potential microaggressions due to the tone of a person’s communication with me.

Another way that I am usually able to discern that a microaggression is or will occur is when I am already in a situation that feels inherently unsafe due to one or any of my identities. For example, if I am in a business meeting and all the other business owners are white men and women, I may feel more on edge regarding my racial identity and listen more carefully for microaggressions based on race from the group of privileged individuals in the room. 

Lastly, the most helpful way for me to actually recognize and zero in on microaggressions I have experienced recently or in the past is to ask the trusted people in my life whether what I already feel was inappropriate was indeed a microaggression. Now, they cannot tell me for sure what anyone’s intentions were, but having safe, trusted people in your corner, especially ones who share the same marginalized identity(ies) as you, can be extremely beneficial for this very reason. 

I have a few really close friends who I can run experiences by to check their thoughts on. They are able to give me a relatively straightforward opinion of the comments or actions made. This allows me to better understand and a better viewpoint of the comments and/or microaggressions that occurred, and then I can apply that knowledge moving forward in my life. 

So, these are some of the ways that I find are most helpful for me to recognize whether a microaggression is or has been used against me.

Strategies for Responding to Microaggressions 

I have to admit I don’t have a set strategy for responding to microaggressions. Mainly because my ability and desire to respond to different microaggressions varies wildly depending on the day, mood, situation, location, whether there’s a supportive person with me who enacted the microaggression, and how safe I feel in that moment, among other things. 

There is never one specific way to respond to a microaggression. And there is no one way that will work every time. 

For me, most of my reaction depends on how safe I am feeling at that moment and/or whether I am feeling particularly brave or confident, too. If I feel that I am in a safe environment, I am more likely to call the person in on their microaggressions and address them head-on. If the person themselves is a safe person for me and has erred, I am much more likely to address it with them. However, if the situation is business-related or work-related, I am in a position with much less power, and therefore, I will often file the situation away for processing at a later date. By the way, this is just one way that employers can often get away with discrimination at work.

When I do make the choice to file the interaction away for later processing or to address it with a friend later, I often feel as though I am working against my value system. One of my core values is social justice, standing up for myself, and advocating for myself. So, at that moment, choosing not to do so feels unaligned—even if it is also the safest decision I could have made.

Safety should always be taken into consideration when addressing microaggressions. As the person with less privilege in these situations, it is important to be aware of the entire interaction and the ways in which you could be in danger.

Building Resilience and Healing from Microaggressions

One thing that has greatly really helped me to build resilience and heal from previous microaggressions is one, knowing that microaggressions exist, and two, having the knowledge to determine when they are being used against me, so that I do not internalize the sentiment. One of the ways that microaggressions can be most harmful to marginalized folx is that the comments made are often so nuanced and rather unnoticed that they are able to worm their way under your skin to your sense of self. 

Marginalized folx tend to internalize the microaggressions they experience instead of adequately fighting back or disproving them because, in many situations, the microaggressions used are stereotypes, seemingly funny, at someone else’s expense, or just subtle enough that they don’t seem “worth” addressing. This can be so dangerous because we will then continue to internalize and believe harmful rhetoric that does not benefit us. We will instead continue to believe that our feelings, thoughts, and concerns are not worth addressing and push them down to address later.

So, for me, building resilience against microaggressions in daily life has really come from being aware of what is being said, who is saying it, and why they're saying it. This really lets me hold onto my awareness of what is happening to me and around me. Then, in response, I can form a counterstatement in direct opposition to the microaggression used against me and form a counterattack that, in the end, helps me to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth in the face of someone else's microaggression that was intentionally (or unintentionally) harmful.

Final Thoughts

The last thing that I will leave you with today is that, if you are new to hearing about or understanding microaggressions then some of the things laid out in this blog post may take time. If you don't feel like you are confident or strong enough right now to stand up against the people using them against you, know that’s not a true judgment of yourself. 

We all have had to start somewhere, and a great place to start could be running the microaggression statements or actions that you're encountering by a friend or a trusted human in your life—maybe your therapist or another mental health provider—and asking for their thoughts on what you’re experiencing. Ask them what they are hearing and seeing in your story. Ask whether they feel you’re reading the situation accurately or appropriately, or are you reading too much into it? But chances are, if it feels icky or uncomfortable, then your safety meter is most likely spot on. Furthermore, if you are getting an unsafe feeling from the interaction, then chances are that it was meant to make you feel even more unsafe. 

So, do the best you can to protect yourself, look out for yourself, and ask others to help you if you don't feel capable of doing it yourself.

If you're looking for other articles I've written for QueerPsych, you can find them here! Or, if you want to talk more about this topic, I'd be happy to chat with you in my DMs on Instagram. You can find me at @thefriendineverwanted.